Is my grief normal? How long will this last?

You may be surprised to have so much grief from the loss of your dog, or to be experiencing grief before your dog is even gone. This grief is completely normal, and may be misunderstood by the people around you. They may accuse you of overreacting. It is, after all, ‘just a dog.’ You may even tell yourself that and try to avoid working through your grief or want to ‘get rid of it’ as soon as possible. Your grief will probably not be gone in a few weeks or even months. Because of the special relationship we have with our dogs, grief of a beloved dog can often be more intense than the death of a family member, and coming to terms with the change will take as long as it takes. The good news is that you do not have to ‘get over’ the loss of your dog; you do not have to forget your dog. Mourning and processing your grief will allow you to change the relationship with the tangible dog of fur and drool to a relationship with a dog within your own heart and mind. Your dog will always be there, as will your love.

Other losses cause grief, too

There are many losses that we grieve, whether we are aware of it or not. If you do not consciously process that grief, it can remain dormant until the next loss, and over time, you build up a big pile of losses as time goes on, and sometimes a loss is so strong that you are forced to grieve not only that loss, but others as well. So instead of just the one loss, you are processing a “multiple loss” of the current loss plus whatever else you have lost in the past. Some of life’s experiences that can cause grief are:

• Death of family friends, pets
• Loss/change of a home, moving away from parents, etc.
• Loss/change of a job or job description
• Birth of a child / acquisition of a dog (loss of the lifestyle that came before)
• Hysterectomy (loss of ability to give birth)
• Divorce (loss of partner, lifestyle, and can involve the loss of kids or pets)
• Kids moving out (loss of current family lifestyle)
• Break-ups with friends or friends moving away

Seven Principles of Grief

The idea that every loss is a multiple loss is one of the Seven Principles of Grief by J. Shep Jeffries (2007). If you want a giant overview of the grief process, I recommend you read that book. Here is his full list of grief principles:

• Principle One: You cannot fix or cure grief.
• Principle Two: There is no one right way to grieve.
• Principle Three: There is no universal timetable for the grief journey.
• Principle Four: Every loss is a multiple loss.
• Principle Five: Change=Loss=Grief.
• Principle Six: We grieve old loss while grieving new loss.
• Principle Seven: We grieve when a loss has occurred or is threatened.

I’m losing my mind. Is that normal, too?

Yup. Many people (especially ones without dogs) don’t understand that dog lovers experience real, strong grief when they lose their dogs. They may give their condolences upon first hearing of your loss, but may not realize that you continue to be in pain as time goes on, and wonder why you are still crying, irritable, or otherwise ‘not yourself’ as time passes. You may wonder, yourself, whether you are going crazy. Here are some cognitive symptoms of grief, from J. Shep Jeffrey’s book, “Helping Grieving People” (2007, Kindle Locations 1462-1480):

• Responding sluggishly to questions
• Difficulty concentrating
• Loss of interest in usual activities—work, sports, games, collecting, social clubs,
• Loss of pleasure—avoids sex, entertainment, food, and social events
• General numbness—shutdown of reactions to social stimuli, no pain, and no joy
• Intrusive thoughts about the loss—constant barrage of thoughts
• Confusion and disorientation—difficulty with time sequences, location
• A sense of futility about life—”What’s the use?” and “Why bother?”
• A sense of helplessness—”Can’t do anything to help myself”
• Uncertainty about identity—”Who am I now?” and “How do I present myself to others now?”
• So-called “crazy” thoughts—hearing or seeing the lost loved one; feeling like they can communicate with them
• Mental fatigue—too tired to figure things out, mind just won’t work

5 Tips for Self-Care

These are things you can do to help even if your loss was a long time ago. You will always love your dog. But if the loss was recent or tears still overcome you whenever you think of your dog, the grief may not be fully processed, and your health and relationships can suffer because of it. There are many other things to do, but here are five important ways you can take care of yourself.

1. Feel your feelings without shame. You grieve the loss of your dog because you are human and you truly love your dog. Your feelings are real and need to be honored.
2. Express your feelings and talk about the experience of your dog’s life and death or loss. Talk to friends, post on Facebook, blog about it. It is normal for other people to assume you can move on quickly, because it wasn’t their loss. Don’t count on people to bring up your loss. They may think that avoiding it will make you feel better. Denial may help, in the short term, but it will come back to haunt you. If your own personal network is tired of hearing about your loss, then go to a support group and/or connect with people online. You don’t have to spend any time with friends who belittle your loss, compare your loss to theirs, or change the conversation to be about them instead of you and your dog. A lot of us try to be stoic, but we’re not doing anyone any favors if we don’t process our grief, because it can come out in other unpleasant ways (back pain, crankiness, overemotionality, underemotionality, lack of ability to form good relationships, you name it).
3. Honor your dog’s life with some sort of ‘shrine.’ Put together a slideshow or video of your dog’s life. Make a collage for your wall with photos and/or your dog’s collar. Do a memorial ceremony where friends and family who knew your dog talk about his life and how it affected them. Create a web site in honor of your dog.
4. Give yourself permission to not grieve all the time. It’s okay to be happy even after the loss of your dog. You can set time aside to not grieve, or set time aside to grieve, with some time limit.
5. Exercise, eat, and get out of bed. Dogs can provide companionship, exercise, and even give us a reason to get up in the morning. Without your dog, you may have to push yourself to do these things, but it will become easier over time. Even light exercise, like walking around the block, can have a great effect on your mood. Walking where you normally went with your dog may bring up a lot of memories with your dog. Allow yourself to feel the grief of that loss but when you are ready, also to remember the joy you shared with your dog.

4 Healing Tasks for the Grieving Person or Family

As I’ve said before, everyone’s grief is different, but the Jeffries book that I mentioned before lists five things that you might do as you mourn your dog’s death or loss. I wanted to share this with you because you may be more familiar with the outdated idea that there are stages. Instead, we simply encounter grief in waves and eventually (if we’re persistent) work our way through these five tasks in our own personal order.

1. Sharing Acknowledgment of Death or Loss. Really, truly understand the finality of the loss. This is where having a shrine and memorial ceremony come in. Work on open communication about the death in your family, including children, in an age-appropriate way. Doing something together as a family to celebrate the life of the dog and mourn the loss can help heal, as can involving friends.
2. Sharing the Pain and Grief. Talk about the loss and keep talking. Express emotions. Feel. Don’t be surprised if your partner expresses his or her pain differently. That’s normal and does not mean s/he is a monster. Do not hold in what you are feeling in order to keep someone else from feeling bad. It’s good for both of you to talk about your guilt, anger, shame, pain, etc.
3. Reorganizing the Family System. This is the logistical part of loss, as in “now I have only one dog to feed, not two.” Or “Do I bury my dog or cremate her or both?”  “How do I deal with the change of relationship with my remaining animals?” “Now that the dog-reactive dog is no longer with us, should we start going on more walks with the other one?”
4. Creating New Directions, Relationships, and Goals. This is not a fast process, not a goal to reach as quickly as possible, but be aware that this is something that is healthy to do. This task might involve getting a new dog or other pet, perhaps the same breed or perhaps a different one. It might mean deciding to volunteer at a shelter to get your dog fix in some other way, or doing the traveling that you couldn’t do with your dog. If your dog was reactive or had other behavior problems, you might feel guilty about seeing his or her passing as an opportunity, but it’s also a realistic truth. This final task is about moving on and exploring new options for your life now that the situation has changed, while still holding your dog in a special place in your heart. Task four also involves exploring the possibility of your loss as a profound self-development experience. More on that next.

Your dog’s final gift to you

Life with a dog can teach you a lot: how to live in the moment, how to enjoy the smell of fresh-mown grass or the first snow of the year to its fullest, even how to forgive. The death of your dog can also teach you to live in the moment, give you insight into what it means to be alive, and give you an opportunity for growth. This chance to learn is a parting gift from your dog. Joining a pet loss support group and reading books on grief (see below) will help you put your grief in perspective and give you a way to continue processing your grief. It’s very important to express your feelings during this time. “The outward expression of grief, or mourning, is how you externalize those thoughts and feelings and ultimately, integrate them into your life” (Wolfelt, 2004, Kindle Locations 47-48). It may also be helpful to work with a therapist. While the grieving process is not a problem to be fixed, it is a time of tumultuous emotionality, from relief and intense guilt to anger and sadness. The loss of your dog may be an opportunity to understand the grief process and to work on the unprocessed grief of other losses in your life.

Recommended Reading

• Kowalski, G. (2006). Goodbye, friend: Healing wisdom for anyone who has ever lost a pet. Novato, CA: New World Library.
• Wolfelt, A. D.  (2004). When your pet dies: A guide to mourning, remembering and healing. Bozeman, MT: Companion Press

Pet Loss Support Groups near Seattle

• Bellevue: The Humane Society for Seattle/King County, 13212 SE Eastgate Way, Bellevue, WA 98005-4408, (425) 649-7566.
• Bellingham: Bellingham Pet Loss Support Group, St. Luke’s Community Health Educations Center, 3333 Squalicum Parkway, Bellingham, WA 98225.
• Seattle: Pet Loss Support Group Seattle Animal Shelter – 2061 15th Avenue West, Seattle WA, 98119, 206-386-PETS.
• Tacoma: Humane Society for Tacoma and Pierce County, 2608 Center St, Tacoma, WA 98409, (253) 383-2733.
• More resources on pet loss in Washington, including therapists (also click through if you’re in other states)

3 of the Ahimsa dog trainers went through the Karen Pryor academy, and one requirement was that we trained another species, besides for a dog. I trained an alpaca. Training a species that you’re not used to really forces you to look at the principles and the science behind clicker training. It works!

One thing that’s not clear from this video is that most cats don’t do marathon training sessions, like dogs do. Some cats I’ve worked with can only do 5-10 clicks worth, and they’re done. Some are also sound-sensitive, so you might start with a juice lid or a pen that clicks when you push the end of it.

I doubt the trainer specifically wanted to teach my dog to only work if food was present, but I was sabotaging my training, and we were on the fast track to teaching her to ignore me if I didn’t have a treat!

The reason I can say that with confidence is because I now know about two scientific concepts, blocking and overshadowing, that prevent animals (including humans) from learning a cue.

Overshadowing: if two cues are presented at the same time (like the word sit and the lifting treat), the more obvious one will be paired with the outcome and the other will be harder to learn (Pavlov, 1927). Which do you think is more obvious to a dog? The hand with food in it or the word?

Blocking: if two cues are presented at the same time (like the word sit and the lifting treat) and it is learned that one of them works by itself (the lifting treat), then it is significantly harder to learn the one presented only in tandem (Kamin, 1969). This is called learned inattention.

The cues I gave as examples are the lifting treat hand and the word sit, but the presence of the food is also a cue, as is your body language.

Furthermore, I was also supposed to say “Good sit!” which specifically paired he the word sit sometimes with NO CONSEQUENCE at all, making it doubly difficult for the dog to learn. Oh dear. (I wrote more on using the cue in your praise in another article).

So how do you avoid sabotaging your training?

• If you are using luring, teach the hand signal first, then transfer the cue to a verbal cue.  Do this by luring just a few times and treating when the dog is successful (to luring a sit,  put a treat to the dog’s nose, and moving it up so the rear goes down). Then quickly shift into using a pretend treat and luring with an empty hand. Click any attempts, and treat.  Gradually only click full sits.  Once the hand signal works to cue the dog to sit, then transfer the cue by putting two full seconds between the word sit and the hand signal. So it would be “Sit…….hand signal” or if the dog starts to sit without needing the signal, click and treat!
• Better yet, use shaping or capturing (click & treat when the dog sits on his own or when he starts to sit). Once the dog is offering a sit, begin to insert the cue before he does it, as if you are cueing the sit.  Then only pay for sits that you have asked for, or else the food becomes the more obvious cue and the word sit will be blocked.
• Clean up your body language so that only the word sit and the hand signal predict rewards when the dog sits.
• A natural consequence of using food or rewards in training is that the cue you want to teach the dog may be overshadowed by the presence of food.  One way to help overcome that is to simply teach multiple behaviors, like sit, down, and stand, so that the dog has to pay attention to your words.
• I also recommend using a counterexample to show that the cues are important on their own, even without food. Counterexamples have been proven to help teach previously overshadowed cues in humans (Heckler, Kaminsky, & Sloutsky, 2008).  Ask for sit, down, etc. when you have no treats on you. When your dog does them, say your marker word, like “Yes!” and run to the treat jar or refrigerator to get the dog a reward. Or use play: pull a hidden toy out of your pocket or instigate a game of chase-the-human.

Related blog post: To Treat or Not to Treat: Training Reliable Behaviors

Resources

Heckler, A. F., Kaminski, J. A., & Sloutsky, V. M. (2008). Learning associations that run counter to biases in learning: Overcoming overshadowing and learned inattention. In Proceedings of the XXX annual conference of the cognitive science society. (pp. 511-6). Austin, TX: Cognitive Science Society

Kamin L. J. (1969). Predictability, surprise, attention, and conditioning. In B.A Campbell & R. M. Church (Eds.), Punishment. New York: Appleton-Century-Crofts.

Pavlov, I. P. (1927). Conditioned Reflexes. London: Oxford Univ. Press.

There has been a resurgence in citing “dominance” as a factor in dog behavior and dog-human relationships. This concept is based on outdated wolf studies that have long since been disproven. Contrary to popular belief, research studies of wolves in their natural habitat demonstrate that wolves are not dominated by an “alpha wolf” who is the most aggressive pack member. Rather, wolves operate with a social structure similar to a human family and depend on each other for mutual support to ensure the group’s survival.

Dogs are not wolves. The idea that dog behavior can be explained through the application of wolf behavior models is no more relevant than suggesting that chimpanzee behavior can be used to explain the intricacies of human behavior. While wolves and dogs share some similarities in behavior, there are many more significant differences. Dog training and behavior modification strategies that rely primarily on misinterpretations of wolf behavior are therefore irrelevant, ineffective and can lead to serious negative complications.

While dominance is a valid scientific concept, the term “dominance” itself is widely misunderstood, such as when it is used to describe the temperament of a particular dog. Dominance is not a personality trait but a description of a relationship between two or more animals and is related to which animal has access to valued resources such as food, mates, etc. It should not be used in any way to support the belief that dogs are out to “dominate” us, especially as that misunderstanding causes some people to respond with force and aggression. This only serves to create an adversarial relationship filled with miscommunication and even more misunderstanding. The unfortunate result is often anxiety, stress and fear in both dogs and humans towards each other. The use of techniques such as the “alpha roll” on dogs, which is based on these mistaken beliefs about dogs and wolves, has no place in modern dog training and behavior modification. Dogs often respond to this perceived threat with increased fear and aggression, which may serve to make a behavior problem worse and ruin the dog-owner relationship.

The APDT’s position is that physical or psychological intimidation hinders effective training and damages the relationship between humans and dogs. Dogs thrive in an environment that provides them with clear structure and communication regarding appropriate behaviors, and one in which their need for mental and physical stimulation is addressed. The APDT advocates training dogs with an emphasis on rewarding desired behaviors and discouraging undesirable behaviors using clear and consistent instructions and avoiding psychological and physical intimidation. Techniques that create a confrontational relationship between dogs and humans are outdated. Modern scientifically-based dog training should emphasize teamwork and a harmonious relationship between dogs and humans that fulfills both species’ needs. Most of all, it should be a fun and enjoyable experience for everyone involved.

The Association of Pet Dog Trainers encourages and supports continued trainer education in order to promote gentle, effective, fast, and fun ways to train dogs using the most up-to-date information and sound, scientifically-based methods.

For more information, please see related information on our Web site at apdt.com.

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If you have a teen or pre-teen in your home, or are thinking of changing careers, I highly recommend Dreamlist’s main website!

Related Post: How to Become a Dog Trainer in Seattle

Most people don’t become dog trainers as their first career. I started out as a theoretical mathematician and a tenure-track instructor, but became a dog trainer and business owner, instead. I’m so incredibly happy that I made the decision to become a dog trainer, but it’s not for everyone. First of all, you’re not just training dogs: you are a people trainer, first and foremost, because they’re likely to be the ones doing all of the homework, and it’s your job to teach and motivate them. Luckily, that part came easy for me with my background in education. The business side of dog training has almost made me quit on multiple occasions. Sometimes, it’s better to just have a hobby, instead of turning dog training into a career. But sometimes, as in my case, it works out even better than you could hope! I now have a book and several DVDs on puppy training and dog aggression and get to travel around the world teaching seminars about dog training.

I started Ahimsa Dog Training in Seattle in 2003 after taking several classes with my own dogs, volunteering at the Humane Society for Seattle/King County, reading up a storm, watching videos, and attending workshops. I taught private lessons first, then started teaching my own classes and gradually added more classes, more trainers, and more classrooms.

Definitely keep in mind that there are different approaches to dog training. One way to classify is to lump dog training into two buckets: training that emphasizes positive reinforcement (setting the dog up for success and building behaviors) and correction-based training (setting the dogs up to make mistakes and correcting them using aversives, like prong collars). I would put myself in the first category. Click for more info on my dog training philosophy.

When you apprentice or volunteer for another dog trainer, or take a course on dog training, look for keywords to avoid, like “pack mentality,” “dominance,” “alpha,” “correction,” “obedience” (except in terms of the sport), “balanced training” or classifying the dog as “stubborn.” Look in the photos and see if any of the dogs are wearing choke chains, prong collars, or electronic shock collars. Even just not having a philosophy page is a slight red flag for me. Terms that are a good sign: “positive reinforcement,” “force-free,” (though that has been taken over by some shock collar trainers), “clicker training,” “reward,” “reinforce,” “humane,” and “science-based.” I believe almost all trainers believe that they are using the minimum amount of force needed to train a dog, because to do more would make them abusers. But we all draw the line in different places, and fortunately, many “crossover trainers” who used to use force-based punishments are now using truly dog-friendly methods. I have huge respect for crossover trainers, but if you are just getting started with training, you should start out positive from the start. Learn from all sorts of trainers, but it’s easier to get a solid foundation with humane training and then go back and learn what else is out there.

Attending seminars is a great way to get started. We host 1-2 seminars on dog training and behavior in Seattle each year.  Even after you become a dog trainer, you’ll want to continue your education by attending at least one workshop or  seminar on training per year.

If you want an actual set program to learn how to become a dog trainer and you live in Seattle, I recommend the Karen Pryor Academy for Animal Training & Behavior. The school for dog trainers is about six months long – part online with four in-person weekends as well – and the content is created and taught by world-renowned animal trainers. There are locations all over the globe, but two in the Seattle area, at least right now.

One is with Steve White in Woodinville (North of Seattle) and another is with Terry Ryan in Sequim (West of Seattle, on the peninsula). In 2007, after over 4 years in business as a dog trainer, I did the KPA program with Terry Ryan and still found it interesting, especially the part where we trained another species, instead of just studying canines. The KPA is a relatively new program, but it is already well-known and respected. Just don’t go into it for the marketing opportunities for yourself, unless you’re a new trainer.

Other great options:

• E-training for dogs (as in online, not as in shock collars) certificate programs
• Various Animal Training Colleges
• American College of Applied Science (not accredited, but seems to be a great program). I like that it focuses on companion animals.

There are many routes to everything, and becoming a dog trainer is no different. There’s no one certification body, school, or course of studies to be a canine guru. There’s not even a set title! You can be a dog trainer, a canine psychologist, a behaviorist, anything you want to call yourself works in Seattle, as long as you’re not a vet, since “Veterinary Behaviorist” is an official title that requires extra studies for veterinarians. The most recognized certification for professional dog trainers is the from the Certification Council of Pet Dog Trainers. To become a CPDT-KA (knowledge assessed), you need 300 hours of experience training others, referrals from a client, a colleague, and a veterinarian and you have to pass a written test on dog training. They have also recently developed a certification for canine behavior consultations (aggression, etc.) and a skill assessment for CPDTs.

Join the Association of Pet Dog Trainers. The APDT has a very informative annual convention for dog trainers (including non-members), a Yahoo group for discussing your troubles, a monthly magazine, a trainer directory, and a monthly journal, the Chronicle. Another new group that should have helpful info is the international group, the Pet Professionals Guild.

There are lots of other ways to become a dog trainer. I think that that whatever route you take to become a professional dog trainer, you need to know that dog trainers work mostly on nights and weekends, and need to teach humans as well as they teach dogs. Plan on driving all over Seattle for a while. It’s also a best if you know how to run a business, as most dog trainers have their own companies. If you’re getting a college degree, finish your studies before embarking on a dog training career. Add some business classes, while you’re at it!

Do all those nights and weekends as a dog trainer pay off?  Emotionally, yes.  Financially? Maybe. Don’t expect to earn a gigantic salary as a dog trainer, unless you end up on your own TV show! How much money can you expect to make as a dog trainer?  Click to see a wage comparison for animal trainers (another). Many dog trainers in Seattle (and elsewhere) work part time, so that data is a little skewed.

Some good books and videos on how to become a dog trainer (not just for Seattle):

• So You Want to Be a Dog Trainer, 2nd Edition, by Nicole Wilde
• One-on-One – A Dog Trainer’s Guide to Private Training, by Nicole Wilde
• It’s Not the Dogs, It’s the People! by Nicole Wilde
• Coaching People to Train Their Dogs (book) by Terry Ryan
• DVD of Coaching People to Train Their Dogs by Terry Ryan (2-week coaching course!)
• And lots, lots, lots of great dog training videos on DVD and other formats at Tawzer Dog 
• Minding Your Dog Business by Veronica Boutelle
• How to Run a Dog Business by Veronica Boutelle

Other tips:

• Respect your fellow dog trainers. There are plenty of dogs in Seattle (and if you’re living elsewhere, there are probably enough dogs to go around there, too). Everyone has something to contribute and if you learn about social psychology, you’ll know why it’s so hard for people to change. No one will see things exactly as you do.
• Learn how to say no to requests, whether it’s to something you don’t really want to do or something that you’re not yet able to do. Never stop learning.
• Set boundaries; make time for yourself and your own dogs.
• Get a business license.
• Get an accountant as soon as you can afford one.
• Outsource anything that you dislike doing, if possible.
• Take classes on things you aren’t familiar with, like yoga, horseback riding, tennis, rock climbing, dance, or basket weaving, to get experience as a student.
• Attend seminars on public speaking or teaching people.
• Go to the Small Business Association and learn about structuring a business.
• Be careful so that you can hire awesome trainers and support staff, if you get to that stage (and soul search as to whether you want to before doing so). Hire kind, considerate people who complement your strengths and weaknesses, and try to hire people smarter than you are. I did, and I absolutely love my staff.
• Learn everything you can about dog and wolf ethology, animal behavior, human communications, social psychology, the brain, even read about things you may disagree with (just read critically), like the Dog Whisperer, info on ‘proper’ shock collar usage, and even the Koehler method. The list goes on…
• You don’t have to do all of these things before you hang out your shingle, but definitely keep learning and growing. If you think you know everything there is to know about dogs, you might as well retire.
  

As you are learning to become a dog trainer, question everything, do no harm, and above all, follow this Buddhist advice:

Believe nothing merely because you have been told it. Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher. But whatsoever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings – that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide.

If you’re already a dog trainer and are reading this, I’d love to have more quick tips here, so please post comments. Humans often think that what works for them is the right way to do things. Definitely leave a comment if your experience in becoming a dog trainer differed from mine.