To love a dog is to truly know the meaning of unconditional love. If you were lucky enough to share your life with a dog, especially a ‘soulmate dog’ who has passed or is nearing the end of life, then you also have the flipside of such a strong relationship: grief. Every experience of grief is unique, so you can’t really be prepared for the loss of your dog. Some of the things that you might do or think while grieving may make you think you are going crazy. This article will help you understand some of the common feelings, behaviors, and thoughts that may come with the loss of your dog. It is my hope that while an article can’t get rid of the sadness or fill the empty hole in your heart, it may encourage you to find a way to grow from this experience and see it as yet another gift from your dog.
Is my grief normal? How long will this last?
You may be surprised to have so much grief from the loss of your dog, or to be experiencing grief before your dog is even gone. This grief is completely normal, and may be misunderstood by the people around you. They may accuse you of overreacting. It is, after all, ‘just a dog.’ You may even tell yourself that and try to avoid working through your grief or want to ‘get rid of it’ as soon as possible. Your grief will probably not be gone in a few weeks or even months. Because of the special relationship we have with our dogs, grief of a beloved dog can often be more intense than the death of a family member, and coming to terms with the change will take as long as it takes. The good news is that you do not have to ‘get over’ the loss of your dog; you do not have to forget your dog. Mourning and processing your grief will allow you to change the relationship with the tangible dog of fur and drool to a relationship with a dog within your own heart and mind. Your dog will always be there, as will your love.
Other losses cause grief, too
There are many losses that we grieve, whether we are aware of it or not. If you do not consciously process that grief, it can remain dormant until the next loss, and over time, you build up a big pile of losses as time goes on, and sometimes a loss is so strong that you are forced to grieve not only that loss, but others as well. So instead of just the one loss, you are processing a “multiple loss” of the current loss plus whatever else you have lost in the past. Some of life’s experiences that can cause grief are:
- Death of family friends, pets
- Loss/change of a home, moving away from parents, etc.
- Loss/change of a job or job description
- Birth of a child / acquisition of a dog (loss of the lifestyle that came before)
- Hysterectomy (loss of ability to give birth)
- Divorce (loss of partner, lifestyle, and can involve the loss of kids or pets)
- Kids moving out (loss of current family lifestyle)
- Break-ups with friends or friends moving away
Seven Principles of Grief
The idea that every loss is a multiple loss is one of the Seven Principles of Grief by J. Shep Jeffries (2007). If you want a giant overview of the grief process, I recommend you read that book. Here is his full list of grief principles:
- Principle One: You cannot fix or cure grief.
- Principle Two: There is no one right way to grieve.
- Principle Three: There is no universal timetable for the grief journey.
- Principle Four: Every loss is a multiple loss.
- Principle Five: Change=Loss=Grief.
- Principle Six: We grieve old loss while grieving new loss.
- Principle Seven: We grieve when a loss has occurred or is threatened.
I’m losing my mind. Is that normal, too?
Yup. Many people (especially ones without dogs) don’t understand that dog lovers experience real, strong grief when they lose their dogs. They may give their condolences upon first hearing of your loss, but may not realize that you continue to be in pain as time goes on, and wonder why you are still crying, irritable, or otherwise ‘not yourself’ as time passes. You may wonder, yourself, whether you are going crazy. Here are some cognitive symptoms of grief, from J. Shep Jeffrey’s book, “Helping Grieving People” (2007, Kindle Locations 1462-1480):
- Responding sluggishly to questions
- Difficulty concentrating
- Loss of interest in usual activities—work, sports, games, collecting, social clubs,
- Loss of pleasure—avoids sex, entertainment, food, and social events
- General numbness—shutdown of reactions to social stimuli, no pain, and no joy
- Intrusive thoughts about the loss—constant barrage of thoughts
- Confusion and disorientation—difficulty with time sequences, location
- A sense of futility about life—”What’s the use?” and “Why bother?”
- A sense of helplessness—”Can’t do anything to help myself”
- Uncertainty about identity—”Who am I now?” and “How do I present myself to others now?”
- So-called “crazy” thoughts—hearing or seeing the lost loved one; feeling like they can communicate with them
- Mental fatigue—too tired to figure things out, mind just won’t work
5 Tips for Self-Care
These are things you can do to help even if your loss was a long time ago. You will always love your dog. But if the loss was recent or tears still overcome you whenever you think of your dog, the grief may not be fully processed, and your health and relationships can suffer because of it. There are many other things to do, but here are five important ways you can take care of yourself.
- Feel your feelings without shame. You grieve the loss of your dog because you are human and you truly love your dog. Your feelings are real and need to be honored.
- Express your feelings and talk about the experience of your dog’s life and death or loss. Talk to friends, post on Facebook, blog about it. It is normal for other people to assume you can move on quickly, because it wasn’t their loss. Don’t count on people to bring up your loss. They may think that avoiding it will make you feel better. Denial may help, in the short term, but it will come back to haunt you. If your own personal network is tired of hearing about your loss, then go to a support group and/or connect with people online. You don’t have to spend any time with friends who belittle your loss, compare your loss to theirs, or change the conversation to be about them instead of you and your dog. A lot of us try to be stoic, but we’re not doing anyone any favors if we don’t process our grief, because it can come out in other unpleasant ways (back pain, crankiness, overemotionality, underemotionality, lack of ability to form good relationships, you name it).
- Honor your dog’s life with some sort of ‘shrine.’ Put together a slideshow or video of your dog’s life. Make a collage for your wall with photos and/or your dog’s collar. Do a memorial ceremony where friends and family who knew your dog talk about his life and how it affected them. Create a web site in honor of your dog.
- Give yourself permission to not grieve all the time. It’s okay to be happy even after the loss of your dog. You can set time aside to not grieve, or set time aside to grieve, with some time limit.
- Exercise, eat, and get out of bed. Dogs can provide companionship, exercise, and even give us a reason to get up in the morning. Without your dog, you may have to push yourself to do these things, but it will become easier over time. Even light exercise, like walking around the block, can have a great effect on your mood. Walking where you normally went with your dog may bring up a lot of memories with your dog. Allow yourself to feel the grief of that loss but when you are ready, also to remember the joy you shared with your dog.
4 Healing Tasks for the Grieving Person or Family
As I’ve said before, everyone’s grief is different, but the Jeffries book that I mentioned before lists five things that you might do as you mourn your dog’s death or loss. I wanted to share this with you because you may be more familiar with the outdated idea that there are stages. Instead, we simply encounter grief in waves and eventually (if we’re persistent) work our way through these five tasks in our own personal order.
- Sharing Acknowledgment of Death or Loss. Really, truly understand the finality of the loss. This is where having a shrine and memorial ceremony come in. Work on open communication about the death in your family, including children, in an age-appropriate way. Doing something together as a family to celebrate the life of the dog and mourn the loss can help heal, as can involving friends.
- Sharing the Pain and Grief. Talk about the loss and keep talking. Express emotions. Feel. Don’t be surprised if your partner expresses his or her pain differently. That’s normal and does not mean s/he is a monster. Do not hold in what you are feeling in order to keep someone else from feeling bad. It’s good for both of you to talk about your guilt, anger, shame, pain, etc.
- Reorganizing the Family System. This is the logistical part of loss, as in “now I have only one dog to feed, not two.” Or “Do I bury my dog or cremate her or both?” “How do I deal with the change of relationship with my remaining animals?” “Now that the dog-reactive dog is no longer with us, should we start going on more walks with the other one?”
- Creating New Directions, Relationships, and Goals. This is not a fast process, not a goal to reach as quickly as possible, but be aware that this is something that is healthy to do. This task might involve getting a new dog or other pet, perhaps the same breed or perhaps a different one. It might mean deciding to volunteer at a shelter to get your dog fix in some other way, or doing the traveling that you couldn’t do with your dog. If your dog was reactive or had other behavior problems, you might feel guilty about seeing his or her passing as an opportunity, but it’s also a realistic truth. This final task is about moving on and exploring new options for your life now that the situation has changed, while still holding your dog in a special place in your heart. Task four also involves exploring the possibility of your loss as a profound self-development experience. More on that next.
Your dog’s final gift to you
Life with a dog can teach you a lot: how to live in the moment, how to enjoy the smell of fresh-mown grass or the first snow of the year to its fullest, even how to forgive. The death of your dog can also teach you to live in the moment, give you insight into what it means to be alive, and give you an opportunity for growth. This chance to learn is a parting gift from your dog. Joining a pet loss support group and reading books on grief (see below) will help you put your grief in perspective and give you a way to continue processing your grief. It’s very important to express your feelings during this time. “The outward expression of grief, or mourning, is how you externalize those thoughts and feelings and ultimately, integrate them into your life” (Wolfelt, 2004, Kindle Locations 47-48). It may also be helpful to work with a therapist. While the grieving process is not a problem to be fixed, it is a time of tumultuous emotionality, from relief and intense guilt to anger and sadness. The loss of your dog may be an opportunity to understand the grief process and to work on the unprocessed grief of other losses in your life.
Recommended Reading
- Kowalski, G. (2006). Goodbye, friend: Healing wisdom for anyone who has ever lost a pet. Novato, CA: New World Library.
- Wolfelt, A. D. (2004). When your pet dies: A guide to mourning, remembering and healing. Bozeman, MT: Companion Press
Pet Loss Support Groups near Seattle
- Bellevue: The Humane Society for Seattle/King County, 13212 SE Eastgate Way, Bellevue, WA 98005-4408, (425) 649-7566.
- Bellingham: Bellingham Pet Loss Support Group, St. Luke’s Community Health Educations Center, 3333 Squalicum Parkway, Bellingham, WA 98225.
- Seattle: Pet Loss Support Group Seattle Animal Shelter – 2061 15th Avenue West, Seattle WA, 98119, 206-386-PETS.
- Tacoma: Humane Society for Tacoma and Pierce County, 2608 Center St, Tacoma, WA 98409, (253) 383-2733.
- More resources on pet loss in Washington, including therapists (also click through if you’re in other states)
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August 28th, 2011 at 5:12 pm
We are experiencing this at the moment having lost my heart dog almost three weeks ago. I am lucky that I work in the animal care industry with so many who understand that losing a dog, especially one so special, is going to have a major impact on your behaviour, emotional state and ability to take part in life. I have amazing support from friends, family, clients and colleagues and it is still difficult so I can’t imagine what is must be like without having that support structure. But I am beginning to be able to appreciate his life and the part I played in it, and he in mine, more and more so healing is on-going. I will say no more as its still difficult to think about it and translate those thoughts to words. Thank you Grisha for writing this.
August 28th, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Sorry for your loss, Anne. Healing is a process and there are ups and downs. Good luck to you on this journey.
August 29th, 2011 at 12:32 pm
I’m sorry for your loss Anne. I lost one of my furbabies 4 weeks ago today. He was 14 and diagnosed with lymphoma. I’ve been through chemo and I know “they” say most dogs handle it well, I couldn’t put him through that, not at his age especially. It’s still poison and has to weaken the immune system in dogs like it does people, dogs just don’t complain.
Thank you Grisha for writing this. I haven’t lost one in 14 1/2 years until Max 4 weeks ago and the emotional roller coaster is hell. I know friends mean well, but the comments like, you have 3 other dogs or, are you going to “replace” him, hurts. You can never replace one of your “kids” whether 2 or 4 legged and as much as I love my other 3 dogs and 2 cats, they are all unique and it’s not the same in the house, how could it be. Thankfully I have a doc that, even though she doesn’t have dogs, knows how I feel about mine and respects it and gave me a med so I can get some sleep at night and help with the anxiety. I think this article is not only helpful for those of us who have lost our precious, furry child, but hopefully it will help others to at least respect our pain and realize some of us truly do love ours with all our hearts. That unconditional love is one that only animals can give.
August 29th, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Thanks for sharing, Nancy. There are a lot of things that people do or say that can accidentally hurt, like handing you tissue when you start to cry (versus just letting you talk or cry and having tissue around, in case you need it). Any tips from your own experience that you can share for what people should or should not do would be useful for the people reading this blog.
August 29th, 2011 at 11:59 pm
A very thoughful and helpful article, Grisha. As a nurse, I’ve done grief counseling with many patients and families, especially when working in the NICU. As someone who works with dogs and their humans, a trainer, handler, doglover…I’ve done grief counseling with many humans, while also helping the human moms and dads come to terms with what they may experience while grieving for their pet. Your article very gently explains the many faces of grief…none of them crazy or wrong. Whether it be the death of a human loved one, or a beloved pet, encouraging the person who is grieving to talk is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. Some people say, “no, that will just upset them.” They are already upset, and letting someone talk about the good times and the sadness helps a person to deal with their grief.
It’s been 10 wks since our beloved Sheltie, Jake, crossed the Bridge, but we had 6 months to celebrate his life and slowly prepare for his death. He was 13 1/2 yrs old and started having seizures last November.
What is still hard to think about and talk about is my heart and soul dog, Lacey. Three days before Jake crossed, Lacey was diagnosed with primary lung cancer. A total shock.
On her behalf, I opted out of surgery and the chemo and radiation that would have followed. We were hoping for at least 6 more months with her. It was 5 weeks. I can’t say thank you enough to our vets, their staff and family. My husband has been there for me every step of the way, as have so many of my friends who understand the loss of a beloved pet. Some words can sting, especially when a family member says, “Well, she lived a better life than she would have with someone else, but you have to remember she was just a dog.” Sigh…
August 30th, 2011 at 5:53 pm
Aloha Grisha,
My beautiful boy, Bruno crossed over the Rainbow Bridge on Sept. 3, 2009 and I am still griefing the loss of this guy. It was nice to read this and know for sure that I am not crazy. When I adopted him for an older German lady who had him chained as the guard dog, I always told him “You and me together forever.” He went everywhere with me and he was such a people magnet. 130 lbs. of love and joy!! He is in my Heart each and every day. What a blessing having that unconditional love in my life. Nothing like it!! Mahalo nui loa from Maui, Hawaii.
August 31st, 2011 at 9:44 am
This is very difficult for me to write. If I had my way I would suffer my grief in private, but this article has stirred up deep feelings and I feel if even one pet (or person) can be saved from the heartbreak we suffered by me sharing our experience, it is worth bearing the pain to share our story. Last year our beautiful and beloved 15 month old puppy Ziva drowned in a backyard pool. It was as innocent as a day could be. Beautiful and sunny – our two Boston Terrier dogs, Kaia & Ziva, were playing like crazy and loving the freedom of the fenced backyard at a friend’s home. Many dogs (including our own) have played and enjoyed this yard for years… but something unthinkable happened when everyone was enjoying a perfect summer’s day. One minute the pups were running freely in the yard and the next minute we couldn’t recall Ziva. Kaia was by our side. Ziva has a tendency to wander so we were not overly concerned at first until after the traditional “Treat! Treat! Treat!” call was met with no response. Subtle panic set in as we immediately thought she had gotten out from the fenced yard and had wandered into the woods or across the busy road. It wasn’t until our friend said “We should check the pool.” She also immediately said – “But I am sure she is not there.”, but she was wrong. The solar bubble cover was on half the pool and as we rolled it back we saw our beloved Ziva lying at the bottom. We dove in and pulled her out. We did CPR, mouth to mouth, and everything we could think of to revive her, but we were too late. We will never know if she fell in while playing with Kaia; if she was trying to get a drink and leaned in too far; or if she was just simply chasing a butterfly (as she is known to do) and didn’t look where she was running; but somehow no one saw or heard her jump or fall into the pool where she couldn’t manage to get out again.
You will never know the grief and overwhelming guilt we all feel about this accident. It is as strong today as it was then. Ziva was one of the most loving and wonderful dogs we have ever known. We only had her in our lives for a few months, but we know she enjoyed her time with us immensely and Kaia was her best friend. My heart will never heal from the loss of our dear Ziva. She came into our lives unexpectedly and left us just as unexpectedly. But the message I wish to share with everyone and the lesson we can all take away from this tragedy is that every place is an unexpected hazard to our pets. Where dozens of dogs had been perfectly safe was a place of danger to our darling Ziva. Please always look with extra cautious eyes at all your surroundings and where you leave your dogs and other animals. Where we see familiar places and safe circumstances, may in fact be dangerous situations for our dear pets. There is no way to foresee every possible, imaginable hazard, but please – because of our loss – please look at least at backyard pools as potential dangers and please do everything you can to keep your pets safe. The loss of a pet from old age and disease is absolutely heartbreaking, but losing a pet in an accident which you feel could have been avoided carries a level of guilt that compounds the pain that will never leave you. Thank you for reading this and all the bests to you and your loved ones (2 legged and 4 legged ones included). Rest in peace dear Ziva. We love you.
September 1st, 2011 at 5:38 am
People who are mourning a pet also can visit the online chatrooms of the Association of Pet Loss and Bereavement. It’s a safe place where people can share emotions. No matter whether a pet is lost to accident, illness, old age, gone missing or stolen, or any other tragic circumstance, people in the chatroom support each other and understand the pain since they have experienced it themselves. The main website is http://www.aplb.org .
September 8th, 2011 at 4:02 pm
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to let you know that I have read all the stories posted here and hope that it brings me some solitude to an aging dog.
I have a Great Dane that is not in good condition and I know that I must put him down and it is killing me to even think of it. He has trouble breathing and if he gets over excited he cannot breathe, causing him to gasp for air. This came on suddenly and it is in his lineage of danes so I know he cannot go on for long.
I am hoping I can cope with the loss as I am tearful already and it hurts worse than losing a loved one. He has been with me since he was born and now he is 7 and I keep praying that it is not the end yet but I know it is.
So I know where all of you are comming from and the intensive pain that follows, my only hope is that I can function normaly, but I must admit losing him will really put the dampers on any thing I do.
Hope more people have comments that will help me ease the pain. Thanks to everyone for their stories and I know what you have felt. Thanks again
October 7th, 2011 at 10:24 am
Hello Grisha,
One of your students is a collegue of mine that told me about your services and suggested I reach out to tell you about my pet loss support groups in Northgate. I facilitate a Dog Gone 4 week pet loss support group to help end the isolation that comes with pet loss.
February 3rd, 2013 at 10:53 am
Aloha Grisha and thank you for hosting this forum and for
your thoughts. I just lost my 13 year and 5 month old beautiful
girl, an American Eskimo, I’ve had from her first breath until her
last.. just a week ago. I am devastated and the guilt for all that
led to her death over the past few years. Living on a golf course
for a year and a half and allowing her to run on that toxic grass,
full of pesticides. Moving to a beautiful area on Kauai where she
could be on the beach and swim. But also an area where
irrresponsible owners of aggressive dogs allow them to attack the
innocent. My dog had to have two surgeries and insane amounts of
anesthesia, anti-biotics along with the shots, flea and worming
meds they say are necessary. I guess I’m writing all of this, so
that others won’t make the same mistakes. My dog died of liver
disease, brought on by choices I made and my guilt is unbearable.
My dog knows and always knew how much I loved her and she keeps
reminding me to remember that, but it’s so painful to have gone
through her physical lose of and her absence now and ever more. I
know she will always be with me in spirit and I am so grateful for
the gift of the unconditional love we’ve shared all this time. The
communication we had the last night together on the floor, in a
moment of telepathic understanding was beyond words. Had she been
looking so deeply into my eyes for all these years and this was the
only time I tuned into her and listened enough to hear her? Her
patience with me through all of these years was saintly. She wanted
to pass naturally and in my heart of hearts, I knew we were meant
to have that experience together, but well meaning friends
convinced me to ‘get the vet there asap’. He came to my home the
next morning, when she was already so close to going. It just
wasn’t necessary to intervene with her process. She was fine with
it and though she wanted to stay as long as possible, she was in
the moment with her reality. The vet did not explain to me what he
was going to do. When he gave her the sedative, she clearly said
with her eyes: ‘NO’, but relaxed into it when I told her it was
okay. The vet than came into the room 20 minutes later and had me
lay her on the floor, where he proceeded to put a lethal syringe
(enough for a horse) directly into her heart. I told him ‘this is
NOT necessary’, but he said it was quick. I was in shock and left
traumatized. In this case, with my dog not in pain, but passing
naturally in eye contact with me, our final and profound moments
together were stolen. The lesson here is: FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND THE
GUIDANCE OF YOUR ANIMAL. Do not let anyone or anything lead you
from that path. I ask my beloved friend for forgiveness and I know
as always, for all the times she wanted to go to the beach and said
‘hold on’, for not being on the floor with her for a week instead
of one night… she forgives, as selflessly as she loved. These
‘just dogs’…. they are light beings, they are our sacred
teachers, they are our hearts. Her name was ‘Pua’ and she will live
on in me.
May 18th, 2013 at 12:35 am
My beautiful and amazing dog died 2 weeks ago. He was a 12 year old Chinese sharpie, I’m so depressed and devasteded with his dead. He was a very healthy dog all his life, he was my best friend, my companion, in other words tommy was everything for me. As I’m writing this tears are going down my face. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I can’t comprehend that he is not here anymore, it is very difficult for me!!! I took him to the vet on April 18 because he was limping from his front leg, they did x rays, and told me that he had arthritis, but they said that his heart and lungs were ok, so they gave me all the medication for pain and also antiflamatories. A few days later tommy was a little better, but after that he started coughing and I got really worried, because he was not the same dog. I took him to the vet again, and they said that he was not looking good. They took x rays of his lungs and discover that he had all this white patches around, and then they said they needed to do an ultrasound and a niddel aspiration of the lung to be sure what could it be the problem. After that they came out with 3 possible results. Cancer, a bacteria, or a fungus. They send the sample from the niddle aspiration of the lung to a lab to see if that would it give them better results, but that was done on wesnday and tommy died on Friday!!! We were at the house and he couldn’t breath. I was very despereted to see him that way. I felt helpless that I couldn’t help him,so I rush to the vet with him when you got there they gave him oxigene. I tought that he was getting better with the oxigene and the doctor said he will keep him there all night to make sure I could breath, so I felt I was doing the right thing for him leaving him there. But after approximately 40 minutes of giving him oxigene I was in the waiting room and one of the nurses can and said run they are giving him CPR I rush to see him, but the doctor didn’t let me enter the room. I was so devasteded and I started crying, because I knew in my heart that he died and I couldn’t say goodbye. I fell that I let him down that I should of taking him to the vet earlier. I felt soooooo much pain in my heart even days before he died, but now is even worse I fell so empty without him my life is not the same anymore I don’t knowwhat to do with all this pain. I cry all the time I miss him so much, he gave all his unconditional love. We were in love with each other our bond was so strong unbreakable. I felt that every time he looked at me his eyes were penetrating my soul…. My life will never be the same without him I have an empty heart and soul… They gave me his ashes 3 days ago and I have the box with them on top of one of my night stand tables to fell that he is closer to me… I think I’m going to go to a loss counselor because I need a lot of help. Tommy I love you sooooooooo very much, I hope you can forgive me….. Lani…
May 22nd, 2013 at 8:11 am
My beloved Belly buttons left behind her sister of 9 years, and me her mother, best friend soul mate, i have had my girls since birth, being great danes, i knew their life span was short, having had there dad, who lived only 8 years, i did everything right, the best grain free dog food, off to the vet for everything she was a breast cancer surviver And was on Cushings meds. Her sister desa has a titanium hip, i got sick 22 years ago and have wanted 2 give up so many times, my girls would not let me, Belly was my nurse, if i was sleeping too much she would rub her whiskers on my lips, to get me moving, she was my love, life, joy, the breath in my lungs,the light of my life, our souls were connected we could understand each other by a way i cant put into words, i cant hardly wait for my time to go becouse i miss her so much, i am trying to be careful not to let my greif affect her sister, who seems to have given up, i can. oonly get her to eat a little by spoon, it has been 10so days,
May 22nd, 2013 at 9:32 am
I meant i have been sick for 2 years not 22, i have been
taking desa everywhere with me i dont want her to give up,but she
will only drink if i bring it to her, or eat if i hand feed her,
she wont eat treats or chew bones anymore how do i will her to
live? I cant loose her too
May 22nd, 2013 at 12:58 pm
I just lost my best friend yesterday so unexpected! Thought it was a pulled muscle, getting ready to go pick him up, vet called and it was a large tumor in his hip. a month to live he said and he would be in pain. I didn’t even get to say goodbye! He was my fourth Dane, and he turned six Saturday. We prayed for a long life, but it wasn’t long enough for me. I didn’t have my coffee drinking buddy this morning. I’m more sad than when my mother died! I don’t understand that. Was it my fault! I’ve had people say when they die they want to come back as my dog! What do I do with his big ole bed? I live in Oklahoma and was able to send his bedding and bowls and towels I dried him with to a shelter for misplaced dogs from the tornado. Lives lost 24, including children, I feel so guilty crying for my dog! But I know it’s ok. Bye Bishop!